GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Buh. There were some crazy rains at the Jersey Shore last weekend so my family went to the movies. For some reason my brother and I chose GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. It seemed like an ok idea at the time! Let me preface this with the fact that I have never seen the show, know nothing about the toys, and don't particularly care about how much this "ruined" so many people's childhoods. I know a lot of other folks are pretty frustrated about that aspect of the movie, and I get it, but I won't pretend to be affected.

Anyway. Duke (Channing Tatum) is a soldier transporting a new weapon developed by arms giant Mars Industries that uses nanomites to precisely and efficiently destroy various metal objects. He and bff Ripchord (Marlon Wayans) are ambushed by the tightly-clad, bespectacled Baroness (Sienna Miller) and her team of dudes dressed in black, but saved by another team of people wearing dark tones. This second team turns out to be part of a secret government-sponsored group of special agents led by General Hawk (Dennis Quaid). Duke and Ripchord join these "GI Joes" to protect and later recover the weapon so that some evil people won't take over the world and OK stop. Who really cares? Good guys are fighting bad guys and nanomites are taking over people's minds. Whatever.

So this movie could have been pretty fun but it took itself oddly seriously. Some parts were very over the top and campy, which I'd usually enjoy, but they weren't having fun with it. They kept having serious, "dramatic" flashbacks about Duke's relationship with the Baroness, which I assume were meant to give the story... depth? acting? If so, it didn't work. It was just dumb. Another issue was the overflow of characters. I guess most of them were from the toys or tv show so fans wanted everyone there, but personally I thought it too much. If more of them had been given interesting side plots or less archetypal personalities, maybe it would have worked out better. If a movie is focusing a lot of its time on one or two characters, then it doesn't work to have like 30 other people that are supposed to play important roles in the plot but are given very little attention.

There are some good action scenes and nice effects. I like that a lady with glasses is seen as sexy (though when she's in battle mode they are nigh-invisible or turn to sunglasses, sigh). The best part was easily Brendan Fraser's cameo as some general training the Joes to fight. But really, this movie is just pretty dumb. The story is quite silly, which I wouldn't have minded if they didn't take themselves so seriously. Nothing flowed well or fit together, but I liked the intermittent action and chase scenes. I guess they'll be making more of these later and maybe it'll work better as a straight-up action movie instead of some type of origin story for Duke, Baroness, and Cobra. I don't really care.

2/5