Awesomely Bad Drunken Double Feature: Gymkata (1985) and The Room (2003)

There was quite an influx of bad movie-induced guffaws this night, when we took in a viewing of both the 80's invented-martial arts flick Gymkata and followed it up with more beers and a look at now-infamous so-bad-it's-good audience favorite The Room. With my b-movies I generally gravitate toward action and sci-fi, preferably something zany from the 80's or 90's. I've been meaning to see The Room for ages but haven't been super excited about it because I knew it was more of a romantic drama and I just want ridiculous high kicks and stupid one-liners and extraneous explosions. So Gymkata was a good lead-in, but The Room didn't disappoint.


Starring actual Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas as fake Olympic-training gymnast Jonathan Cabot, the aptly named Gymkata is a relic of both Cold War space programming and wacky 80's action. Cabot is hired as a secret agent, trained in martial arts so he can combine it with his gymnastic ability to create GYMKATA (the perfect fusion of gymnastics and karate), and sent into the fake country of Parmistan, whose position makes it a perfect set-up for a special spy satellite. But for some reason, every person who enters the country must take part in THE GAME, a rigorous obstacle course that involves rope-climbing, rafting, running, a "Village of the Damned", farm implements, referees dressed like ninjas, and a lot of death by archery. The survivor is granted any one request. Hopefully Jonathan will find a lot of well-placed gymnastic equipment so he can employ his technique! (Spoiler alert: He will.)

Oh jeez. Just watch the trailer, it will give you an idea of what is so awesome about this movie. There are tons of crazy action scenes, gruesome deaths, ridiculous dialogue, completely nonsensical plot points, and a host of funny hats. The king of Parmistan looks just like Mark Twain, and his "unplaceably ethnic" daughter wears a slinky leather catsuit under her princess robes. Thomas performs acts of implausibly convenient gymnastic attacks while dressed in a geeky, very red sweater. The script seems to drift in and out of consciousness.

I have absolutely no idea what the actual plot was, or who most of the characters were, or why anything was happening at any given time. Something about star wars and anti-monarchy rebellion, and also the lady doesn't speak for a long time but is content to just make out with Jonathan Cabot while giving him a massage? Whatever. It's got uncomfortably close crotch-shots, unexpected shirtlessness, track suits, and more cartwheel-based take-downs than I ever thought I'd see. It's an extremely silly, gimmicky movie that tries to get away with stereotyping by making up a country, but it all works somehow to make for a highly entertaining time.

"When gymnastics and karate are fused, the combustion becomes an explosion, and a new kind of martial-arts superhero is born: GYMKATA."

As a movie: 1.5/5
As entertainment: 4.5/5

Further Reading:
BadMovies.org review
Lost Highway review (beware of typos)


All right, time for the one you probably care about more since now it's become A Thing (even though, seriously, go see Gymkata): The Room. Possibly delusional auteur Tommy Wiseau crafts a truly bad romantic drama, casting himself as the successful, super nice guy Johnny, whose bored fiancée Lisa (Juliette Danielle) is considering calling off the wedding. Her mother (Carolyn Minnott) advises her to stay with him because he can support her (apparently she's incapable of caring for herself, despite being a mostly-functioning adult), and so she goes off and seduces his best friend Mark (Greg Sestero). Also there's Johnny's "adopted" teen brother/son/thing Denny (Philip Haldiman), who doesn't seem to do much for the plot except owe money to a drug lord. Or something. There's not much else to it, except a lot of gratuitous sex scenes, repetitive dialogue, irrelevant and unexplained subplots, and stock footage of the Golden Gate Bridge.

I get the cult obsession with this, I really do. It's just fascinatingly horrible, from Wiseau's stilted dubbed dialogue to the close shooting style to the weird soul soundtrack to the awkward performances. I'm amazed the film was even completed, and I love that 7 years later it's being screened in theaters as a special event. It's funny and memorable, mostly for Wiseau's strange, creepy, and ultimately endearing onscreen persona. He's the best part of the movie, easily. But while I was certainly giggling my way through many scenes, I wasn't wholly taken in by the hilarity mainly because of the Lisa character. She's this completely awful, basically sociopathic woman who makes really bad decisions all the time. The thing is, it's not really funny, just frustrating. And she's a major part of the movie so it was definitely a detriment for me.

Otherwise: good times! Bad writing, bad direction, bad acting, insanely overdramatic ending, and a dog. It's all there.

As a movie: 1/5
As entertainment: 4/5

Further Reading:
Invasion of the B-Movies review
Not Just Movies review

Purchase my original art for The Room!