Universal Soldier (1992)

While ambling about Best Buy the other day, killing time before A Woman, A Gun, and A Noodle Shop started, the bf and I came across this little gem in the action area, which he'd dreamed of seeing as a young boy but wasn't allowed. Of course I speak of Universal Soldier, in which Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren are brainwashed super-soldiers bent on killing each other. That's the actual plot. There's also some stuff about the Vietnam War and a lady who's a reporter or something... Oh also Van Damme gets hella naked and we have several shots of his over-sculpted butt. ALSO someone (not saying who) gets ground up in a thresher while he's still alive. It's a pretty rad movie, as you can surely ascertain.

I think I should make it clear that this isn't like a har-har so-bad-it's-good cheesy action thriller (though in some ways it totally is). It's legitimately awesome, with a badass premise and a lot of great action scenes. The plot is a bit strange and not fleshed out much, but the basic elements of a cool science vs military theme are there, along with some attempts at reminding us how shitty the Vietnam War was (you guys: let's make movies, not war, amirite?). Van Damme is lucky in that he doesn't have to act that much since for most of the film he's all brainwashed and stone-faced, giving his lines in this hilariously flat tone. He gets in some good fights- both physical and weapons-based- as well as the aforementioned nudity, but he was sadly lacking in high kicks. I don't think I counted more than five. Dolph "I Speak, Like, Seven Languages" Lundgren is great as the villainous sergeant, gleefully injecting himself with performance enhancers while donning a necklace made of human ears.

Admittedly, this is more of a chase movie than an ultimate showdown, but it works well in that format. There's even a totally impractical, heavily armored mobile laboratory. They throw in the "sarcastic, slightly hysterical lady" character, and Ally Walker is often annoying and forced in the role but there's not much to be done. She's got some great reaction shots to Van Damme's weirdness, and their interactions serve as most of the comedic relief. When you break it down, Universal Soldier is a fun, intense movie featuring two of the period's greatest action stars doing what they do best. Sure, it could have used a more fully-realized story and a less obnoxious lady sidekick, but you can't have it all, I guess. Plus did I mention Van Damme's butt? We totally see his butt.

4/5

Pair This Movie With: Commando, because everyone should watch that movie all the time, and it's another explody action movie with a European lead and a chatty lady sidekick. But she's much more likable/capable.