Ill-Advised Sci-Fi Adaptation Double Feature: Batman Forever (1995) and Battlefield Earth (2000)

*This post is part of the Juxtaposition Blogathon at Pussy Goes Grrr.*

I don't know why I decided to watch two awful movies back to back, but it's hard for me to resist. I found Batman Forever on netflix instant the other day and immediately started watching because it had resulted in many inside jokes when I was a kid. Also because it's fairly hilarious. Then that night the Brattle Theatre was hosting its "Schlock Around the Clock" weekend event and I of course opted for a late showing of Battlefield Earth, which I'd never seen but had heard enough about to pique my interest. Turns out these two movies almost match each other in suckitude, but in different ways. Also their scores are weirdly similar.

So: Batman. He's a superhero or something, meaning he can put on a black rubber outfit and drive a phallic car and use destructive gadgets to put holes into people's walls without retribution. This unsurprisingly attracts the attention of all manner of "weirdos" who want to destroy him. In this installment of the man's never-ending War on Crime and ongoing Fight With His Own Inner Demons Culled From a Haunted Past, Val Kilmer plays the caped crusader as a slightly nerdy, but ever-so-fully-lipped hero. His enemies are Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones), a crazed former district attorney with a vendetta against Batman and a need for duplicity, and The Riddler (Jim Carrey), an obsessive, downtrodden scientist who invents a way to read people's minds and increase his own IQ. His allies are Dr Chase Meridian (Nicole Kidman), a criminal psychologist who wants to bone Batman and date Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson (Chris O'Donnell), a rebellious twentysomething acrobat who wants revenge for his murdered family, and his stalwart butler Alfred (Michael Gough).

Ok. This movie. I kind of love it (though not as much as its successor, which I'm sure I'll blog at length about eventually). It is completely ridiculous and over the top, and yet insists on maintaining a level of drama that just does not fit in with the atmosphere. Bruce Wayne is soooo serious all the time and has bad dreams about his parents' murder. Wah-wah. And then Dick is all bratty and whiny about his family being killed by Two-Face and it's like jeez, grow up already, you're like 25 years old! Meanwhile two well-educated men in funny costumes are running around making bad puns and building elaborate sets to coincide with their chosen villainous themes. This dichotomy in tone is part of what makes this movie hilarious, as well as so poorly conceived.

I have to say, though, that the cast is pretty fantastic. Kilmer isn't beefy enough to be a convincing Batman, but darnit if he isn't a cute Bruce Wayne. Nicole Kidman is a commendably forward vixen with nice hair. Drew Barrymore and Debi Mazar pop up for a while. Tommy Lee Jones has way too much fun. Chris O'Donnell wears a leather jacket and a really stupid-looking earring. Michael Gough is huggable as always. And Jim Carrey is actually pretty good as The Riddler, I think. He's been my favorite Batman villain since Frank Gorshin's gleeful portrayal on the 60's tv show, and while Carrey isn't up to that standard, his enthusiasm is palpable and I liked his sparkles and red hair.

Anyway this movie is enjoyable and goofy as hell, which is all I really want. At least everyone looks like they're having fun. Except Val Kilmer. He's a bit of a downer.

Also part of the premise is a lot like that Max Headroom episode!

As a movie: 2/5
As entertainment: 4/5

Now on to a film that set its sights much higher, and therefore fails more miserably. Based on the L Ron Hubbard book, Battlefield Earth is the epic tale of the human race's fight for survival centuries into the future, with our culture gone and society regressed into hunter-gatherer tribes as our cities lay in rubble. Really tall, big-foreheaded aliens called Psychlos have settled around certain areas to mine our resources, using people as slaves before killing everyone. One particularly resourceful "man animal" named Johnny (Barry Pepper) begins to unite the humans and use Psychlo technology against them, much to the chagrin of sadistic and conniving chief of security Teri (John Travolta).

SO MUCH about this movie makes no goddamn sense, I will not take the trouble to lay it all out for you. Just take my word for it. It's just... really stupid. Really, really stupid. The script lingers on certain points and glazes over others, leaving a wealth of plot holes and questions that viewers have to mentally fill in just to maintain a vaguely clear head. It is all set amidst egregiously cheesy dialogue of course, not helped by Travolta's particularly hammy performance. I will never be able to unsee him in this role, and now every time I watch Grease I'm going to imagine him with dreadlocks and pointy monster hands and a hideous guffaw. Too bad.

The thing is, it does look pretty good. The presumably massive budget doesn't seem wasted, with a lot of pretty landscapes and complicated sets, not to mention a range of intricate make-up and technological effects. And I'm not against the premise. But there's very little saving grace in this film. It's just a self-indulgent, hugely extravagant wreck rife with bad acting, poor direction, and worse screenwriting. Those ridiculous centerfold wipes used in every single scene transition will forever haunt my dreams. It was worse than the narration in Dune. And the Dutch angles! MAKE IT STOP.

1.5/5